Learning Lessons

Last week a couple of awesome friends came halfway across the world to visit Jak (my roommate) and I. It was beyond awesome. Having them here for 5 days kinda felt like I never left Philly, and reminded me that I really miss my friends and some aspects of my life there, but chilling out here and just doing our thing was a million times better than anything Philly could offer.
After they left for the second leg of their vacation, it was back to just me my roomie, and the randomness that has become our everyday lives. I've talked to a couple friends and had each one ask, "are you happy there?"
Part of the reason for me leaving Philly was that I felt very unfulfilled in many aspects of my life. I felt stuck. But am I now "happy"? Has my life done a 180 in about two and a half months? Its a loaded question.
There are things about me that are "changing" I guess you could say, but these are things I've always aspired to do, its just that now I'm not giving into excuses. I've shed a lot of the material things and I'm taking this vagabond life seriously. One thing that's happened that I'm ever grateful for is the reduced noise in my head.
I'm a chronic thinker, its quite an annoying condition. Its very hard for me to turn my mind off and be open to things, but here...its like my mind knows to be quite. No job stressing, no stressing about weekend plans, no CUS stress, just me and the things I've always wanted to do to better myself, and yes the constant sunshine and perfect weather do help.
I don't know if I'm "happy". The more I stick around on this planet, the more I begin to feel that the word "happy" is much like the word "love", highly overused yet rarely and truly experienced. I'm still growing and becoming the person I've always wanted to be, and accepting the fact that it may not have been what I envisioned as a teenager. I'm becoming who I was meant to be. Its as if the Universe is telling me to listen and slow down, stop worrying and fix your chronic thinking problem because in the grand scheme of life nothing's permanent and problems are only teaching tools. Listen and Learn.

Friends, How many of us have them?

Its been just about a month since I last blogged. To be honest I felt there was "nothing" to blog about. Usually people like to discuss all that's going "wrong" in life, what's disappointing us. I guess I was fortunately not blogging because things were going quite swimmingly. What's prompting this blog? Recent disappointment.

The anatomy of a friendship can be quite complex. If you're like me,  your friends constantly come to you with their issues with other friends asking "should I be upset that they did/said/acted this way?" Usually my first response is "what exactly is your relationship with them?" Whether we're conscious of it or not we have "tiers of friends". There are those that comprise our innermost circles, they are our family outside of our bloodline. Then there are tiers for close friends, associates, friends of friends, work friends, school friends, etc... Depending on how close your relationship is with someone will dictate their tier.

Recently I've had the misfortune of picking and choosing my top tier friends over one another. The main issue with this is that I must sacrifice one friend's needs over another because let's face it, we can't be in two places at the same time (unfortunately). Its a crazy situation when the friends in your top tier don't necessarily like each other because in someone's eyes--if even for a moment--you're the bad guy. I hate being the bad guy. I wish that friends would understand the dynamics of the relationships that their friends have with others. Taking a step back and looking at a situation from outside of yourself can give you a better look at the bigger picture. I think what disappoints friends most is the level of expectation. We expect (in some cases demand) so much from our tiers; or top tier carrying most of the burden. Granted this tier knows us the best and holds our most important secrets, hopes and dreams. So it's difficult to understand why they can't or won't deliver when we want them to. Example, I recently had a friend who was stood up on her birthday by a top tier friend with no good excuse. A heart breaking situation indeed. Actions like that are what can make or break a friendship. Top tier friends can fall to the bottom so fast, some with no hope of cracking the next caste up at any point.

When it comes to your friendships, be the best person you can be, especially if you're in someone's top tier. That fall from grace can penetrate through other friendships with mutual people. You can never expect any one person, or groups of people to always be around every single time you need them, no matter what, but as friends we can all try our best. In the end, we all want someone who isn't going to judge us, and be the shoulder to cry on when we need it most, or share in life changing experiences to enhance the bond. Never forget that friendship, like any relationship, is a two-way street. We're all bound to mess up at one point of another but if it really means something to you, fight for it. Good friends are hard to find.

You go your way, I'll go mine

This weekend my summer of bliss will be at a crossroads. Friends are moving, friends are growing, friends are reconnecting. I've decided to return to my hometown for an impromptu reunion with a tight knit group of college friends (these are the women who were my sisters before I ever thought about joining a sorority). Every couple of years or so, we decide its been way too long since we've been involved in each others lives, so we get together. While I am sacrificing quite a bit to go on this trip, I am more than happy and willing to go. Even though I can't help feeling a little guilty for not being there for others in my life.

After Sunday, and much like the changing of the season, my cozy section of the cosmos will begin drastically changing in so many areas, for so many reasons. I am going to enjoy this last weekend, throw responsibility to the wind and be a good friend to those that deserve it most.

Roads Less Traveled

I don't know how often you do it, but every once in a while I mindlessly surf Facebook and view friend's pages. Friends I haven't seen or talked to in years. Some were once very close to me, some not so much, but everytime I am amazed by how far we've both come and how different our lives are from each other. Sometimes I wonder without the advent of Facebook and other sites like it, would I really care to know about these people's lives? Or them about mine? I mean our e-mails and phone numbers have relatively stayed the same, and honestly, if we wanted to find each other we could, but we don't.
I recently came across a friend's page that I haven't talked to since Senior year of college (after his ex-girlfriend, one of my best friends at the time, admitted she had been unfaithful in their relationship). I always liked the guy, had a cool bond with him. Now he lives halfway across the world, is engaged and seems to be living the life he wants (I hesitate to say he is truly happy with his station because like I stated, we haven't talked in years). How did our lives become so different when, in a sense, we came from the same place? I think about the bonds I'm creating now and wonder how long until these people, that I claim I couldn't do without, will one day just become faces in pictures, on a page, sitting idle in my Friends box on the left side of my computer screen?
I know that not all relationships/friendships are supposed to last forever. Like everything, some things leave to make room for new things. Outlets like Facebook, Twitter and even Myspace throws the mortality of the relationship in your face. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel the sudden need to message people like crazy with the old: "remember me? Let's be friends again, wasn't that fun?!" Let's be honest, we're all at different points in our lives now, and what they have to offer me now may not be what I need or want. I've always been pretty cautious with making close friends for this exact reason.
My college friends are actually having a reunion weekend in DC very soon and I won't be in attendance. Again, I am the rogue friend. I love my college friends and miss them dearly, but there are other obligations in my life that pull me in another direction. Sacrificing one group of friends for another just sucks, no matter the circumstance. Within the next five years I dread being that "fringe friend" at the wedding, or baby shower, or engagement party, that closer friends and family members haven't met because I was never around for key events.
There are moments when I think: "who is visiting my page?" and "do they have the same thoughts I do? Do they remember that time when I was in their life?" At any rate, I truly believe that every person I ever gave the title of "friend" and really connected with I will always remember. They've added to my life experience and left an imprint on my being because without that encounter I would know squat about the world, people, places, and the varying opinions that exist out there.
So here's to friends, young, old, new, here and now. I appreciate your short visit in my life, and even if you don't stick around, I wish you the best on your journey on the roads less traveled.

The Power of Friendship Vol I.

Ahhhh, nothing takes your mind off  a difficult time quite like friends. I had a horrible week last week: Breakup, bad days at work, broke out into hives, locked myself out my apartment.....not a good week, but this weekend changed all that.

I mustered up all my energy and decided, THIS was going to turn it all around. Birthdays, bars, restaurants and cityscapes totally transformed me, and the best part was that I did it with people I love and care about. Whatever reservations I had totally went out the window, and I allowed myself to have a GREAT time. Its funny when you let other people into your world; you see things differently. I saw things from a fresh perspective and really gained a new found appreciate for all that I have and who I am. From the way I view myself to how I am viewed. I felt.....good. Which, if you know me, its hard for me to feel that way about myself. My weeks are packed with business, and thinking, and the forward progression of image and career that I don't stop. And look. I forgot how much I miss roaming Philly and getting lost in the little things. The lights, the people, the food. The 2nd weekend in a row I was blessed with a perfect Sunday, and for the 2nd weekend in a row I was blessed by the best people.

It really is amazing how the Universe gives you what you need and NOT what you want. I felt like it conspired WITH me and not AGAINST me. Things can only get infinitely better, and I will be happily awaiting the fantastic voyage.