2013

Happy New Year...we've made it.

I've left this blog unattended for a while, at first by accident, then later, completely on purpose. So many things have happened and lessons learned that it felt wrong to interrupt life's process by trying to document it all. Now that I have some time, I'll try to write down as much as I can.


On Family
I had the pleasure of going home to see my family for Xmas. Xmas is my absolute favorite holiday. I think the pretentiousness and it's bombastic nature are part of what make it awesome, but as a young kid, Xmas time was one of the only times my entire family would come around and we'd all just enjoy each others company. The elders would tell stories, the kids would play and share secrets, and then there was the food....oh my gosh the food! As I've gotten older this hasn't been the case. My family has been steadily shrinking and with the lack of kids around it's just me and middle aged adults. This is not inherently a bad thing, just different and something I'm still getting used to. I spent six days helping my mom cook and clean, eating and drinking her out of house and home, and listening to family members tell stories of holidays past. Those are the things that stick with me, those stories. No matter how many times I hear them I always laugh at the funny parts, and cry a bit inside as we remember those who have passed on.

The day I came back from my trip was Jak's birthday. I didn't have much of an idea of what to do, but she decided she wanted to go out, first to "our" bar, then...who knows! I'd like to think I surprised her with one of her favorite pizzas and balloons (one that proclaimed her as "Mr. Fix-It"). Our sisterfriend Carmin had flew in the night before so I got a double dose of being around people I love. That night was sort of a continuation of my family celebration seeing as how I consider them both family. New Year's Eve brought Raul. He's basically the most important man in my life outside of family. I know he has special connections with many people, but I enjoy ours immensely. The four of us had an insane New Years...in Hawaii. Honestly, such a far cry from a year ago for all of us. I always say I am grateful for my life and that night the feeling seeped into my every pore. That and the alcohol. I've considered some friends as part of my family for sometime now, but this past year just solidified the group for me. I know that people have their roles in your life, and most will always be in and out, but this holiday season surrounded me with some of the people I most needed to be around.

On Friends & Lovers

I've talked about this before and I think it's worth bringing up again. I knew that moving here was going to present an issue with making and keeping new friends. Most people don't stay here long enough to make more than surface friends, and it's difficult to find and make friends past a certain age. Luckily, I'm a pretty friendly person (too friendly according to Jak), always up for a drink and interesting conversation but anything past that has been difficult, and that's ok. In these past nine months I've learn to accept the fact that as far as "real" friends go I may have hit my limit some time ago and everyone I meet from now on may just be surface or short term. I'm also comfortable with the fact that it may just be "me" from here on out. I'm not saying I'm avoiding dating or will never look for a relationship, it's just that something serious isn't on my mind. Would I like someone to wake up to? Sure. Would it be nice to go on a date or meet someone who thinks I'm interesting? Absolutely. Would I like to have a one night stand? It is on my bucket list! I've decided to leave these issues up to the Universe for the most part, but that doesn't mean I won't be taking an active role in the matter. The sheer fact that I know now I can put myself out there and be ok with whatever the result may be, gives me the resolve to attempt things. See, it's not about the end goal, it's all about the attempt, that's more than half the battle. And if it never happens for me...well even more reason to travel the world and experience everything.
For the most part I hope that even the "surface" friendships I make will be beneficial ones and with really awesome people. Slowly but steadily that seems to be where it's headed but who can say for sure. I don't regret any of the time I've spent with anyone here, but I have learned to be a bit more selfish and say "no thank you" to an offer if I don't want to do.

Right before the New Year Jak, Carmin and I took a sunrise hike to Lanikai. I love moments when I can look out on nature and see it stretching to the ends of the Earth and feel like I'm the only thing to exist in that moment. The reflection was good for me and that's how I know I'll be ok.

                                                

    

Rainbows means everything is ok



On Experiences
There's so much to do here. Part of me wants to do it all as soon as possible, then another part of me wants to enjoy every last drop of every experience. I've kept my pledge to be and stay active (minus those two weeks for house guests and visiting family) and look forward to all adventures no matter how grand or small. What I enjoy best are those random days where you end up wandering around with a random group of friends and life just happens. But I can't deny I enjoy pushing my limits and exploring the beauty of this island. This year I'd like to have more personal experiences with  people that I find interesting, nature will always be there.

Epic Nights

There comes a point in just about every day, where I wake from my daydreaming stupor and say, "holy shit! I live in fucking paradise!" Yes, I know these revelations must seem annoying to you (my 1 dear reader), and you're probably all like "Jas, stop rubbing salt in the wound already!" But its ironic how so easy it is to take things for granted.
Not that I typically want to be in the business of looking a gift horse in the mouth, but some days here are harder than others. After all I'm still doing all the same things as most people: going to work, making grocery lists, paying bills, making budgets, you know the sucky parts of life we all escape by going to happy hour a few times a week. Last week I had my first ever taste of homesickness. Its weird because I'm not one to get homesick. Even as a kid, when my mom would send me to Louisiana during the summers, or camp, I was always waving cheerfully goodbye as she choked back tears. Don't know what did it really, but I started to miss my friends, my cat, randomly walking through Philly, chilling at my favorite spots. But as usual the Universe is always on time.
Had one of the best days here since the move, and the fact that it was First Friday made it even better. I got a wealth of intellectual stimulation, and had a blast being a goofy twenty-something, all while meeting and hanging out with the most fascinating people I've ever met. I don't know what it is about this place that makes me feel so free to just let go, but I feel so relaxed here when I'm out and about. This city seems to be undergoing an artistic and creative renaissance and luckily I get front row seats. Maybe we've all been drawn here by the cosmic forces to create one magical orgy; a peace and love movement. Whatever the case, I just keep hoping that I'll continue to have epic nights.

Learning Lessons

Last week a couple of awesome friends came halfway across the world to visit Jak (my roommate) and I. It was beyond awesome. Having them here for 5 days kinda felt like I never left Philly, and reminded me that I really miss my friends and some aspects of my life there, but chilling out here and just doing our thing was a million times better than anything Philly could offer.
After they left for the second leg of their vacation, it was back to just me my roomie, and the randomness that has become our everyday lives. I've talked to a couple friends and had each one ask, "are you happy there?"
Part of the reason for me leaving Philly was that I felt very unfulfilled in many aspects of my life. I felt stuck. But am I now "happy"? Has my life done a 180 in about two and a half months? Its a loaded question.
There are things about me that are "changing" I guess you could say, but these are things I've always aspired to do, its just that now I'm not giving into excuses. I've shed a lot of the material things and I'm taking this vagabond life seriously. One thing that's happened that I'm ever grateful for is the reduced noise in my head.
I'm a chronic thinker, its quite an annoying condition. Its very hard for me to turn my mind off and be open to things, but here...its like my mind knows to be quite. No job stressing, no stressing about weekend plans, no CUS stress, just me and the things I've always wanted to do to better myself, and yes the constant sunshine and perfect weather do help.
I don't know if I'm "happy". The more I stick around on this planet, the more I begin to feel that the word "happy" is much like the word "love", highly overused yet rarely and truly experienced. I'm still growing and becoming the person I've always wanted to be, and accepting the fact that it may not have been what I envisioned as a teenager. I'm becoming who I was meant to be. Its as if the Universe is telling me to listen and slow down, stop worrying and fix your chronic thinking problem because in the grand scheme of life nothing's permanent and problems are only teaching tools. Listen and Learn.

2 weeks in Paradise

...and officially one week since my roomie and I signed a lease for a cozy cottage in Honolulu, HI! Like I said in my previous post, I'm letting time do what it does. While we've explored our neighborhood a bit, mainly from the gazillion trips to Wal Mart, Sam's Club, Safeway, Foodland & KMart, there is so much more to see. We did find the chillest neighborhood dive bar with the strangest name (8 Fat Fat 8), that has daily specials, pool, darts, karaoke and judging by the orders that were coming from the kitchen, a kick ass pupus (that's what they call appetizers here) menu. The staff was super friendly (everyone is here) and the tab was VERY reasonable. We also found a Latin American grocery store that sells all the essentials needed to cook the staple homemade dishes we both miss from back home (I thought Jak was going to cream her pants when she saw that bottle of Adobo).
There's also a huge Goodwill up the street and around the corner that I'll definitely be shopping at for clothing and other household items. We did get some kitchenware to replace some of the items that broke from being shipped from the mainland. It was all good though because we cleaned up for less than $20. I really can't wait until we both have jobs so we can explore our surrounding neighborhood thoroughly (especially the restaurants). We have visitors coming later this month, so hopefully that will give us an excuse to make some trips to the North Shore and Waikiki.

This truly is paradise.

Timing

Its seems that the old adage "time is everything" applies to literally every situation. Some days time works completely in your favor, and others it frustrates the heck out of you. While I am ever grateful for the progression of this journey, sometimes the feeling of helplessness breaks way to waning patience. I know that not everything happens all at once, but I wish that they happened a little faster. Its life's little frustrations that irk me the most. Recently, I've been learning to let it all go, don't get wrapped up in situations that you have NO control over, things will work themselves out.
It may come as a shock, but sometimes I'm not as bad ass as I like to appear. I worry. I wring my hands with the fear that something might go wrong, they call it the "what ifs". Part of the reason for this journey was to change. This is my ashram in India, or "seven years in Tibet" to sort it all out; reach nirvana with my self and become my own salvation. Before it was so easy to start and stop this transformation because let's face it, its not easy. But with picture perfect blue skies, warm sun, and an aura of calm and ease surrounding you everyday it makes it tough to want to run away from your inner barriers. How can I stay mad when I'm rewarded everyday with God's beauty? I can't.

So, for now as I continue to unfurl into a more peaceful human being in every aspect, I'll let time do what it does: move on. Things will happen as they're supposed to, and I chose not to rush that process.

Traditions

Throughout my young life I've grown accustomed to celebrating traditions with my friends and family. I'm not just talking about holidays, birthdays or other annual special events. I mean those small random, off-the-cuff things that make a mundane existence bearable. Last night I came to the realization that, in some odd way, I no longer have any of those traditions at my disposal. No getting adult milkshakes on payday, no trying out a new bar before the hipsters claim it, no dinner parties, no random sleepovers....nothing.
I know that this plan to "change" has been in place for quite a while, but sometimes things just don't hit you when they should; reality doesn't set it. Well, now reality is slapping me in the face. When you have that sudden "I want to go home" feeling and realize that you don't quite have a home [yet] is a disheartening feeling to say the least. I've never been much of a long term planner, so feeling that I should I be in control of every single move ahead of me is difficult. I know it probably comes off as I don't care, can't think for myself, or dare I say it a bit "slow", but I've only had to think of just myself for so long that thinking for 2 proves difficult and out of place.
I usually put the needs of others before myself because hey, if my friends and family are happy then I'm happy. It takes very little to make me content.
Thus far, this trip has taught me that my tradition of leadership might be in for a BIG change. I don't know what that is, but I can assure you its a lot different from what I'm used to. Not saying this is a BAD thing, just an adjustment. Did I expect this to be easy? No. Did I expect reality to sucker punch me in the face last night as I crossed the California border? No. Am I slightly losing my mind because I feel like I have less control over things than normal? Hell YES!
But if I've learned anything in life, its to be optimistic and resilient. Everyday I look straight into the face of God as I stare in awe at the beauty of the Earth, and somehow that's comfort enough. That's a personal tradition I've kept. To always look out into the vastness of the Universe because the Universe will always take care of you.

The 2012

Its hard to know where to begin this blog, but just know that its timing is purposeful. I guess a good place to start any story is at the beginning, Well, if you've every browsed through this blog you that I constantly struggle to find a harmonic balance in my life ( I am a Libra after all). Once you've past your mid-twenties and you aren't married, have kids, or working on that 2nd or 3rd degree you can feel a bit stagnant. To say that I felt stagnant is an understatement. I've been wanting a drastic change in my life for quite sometime, but never seemed to get it together to do so, until mid-2011. After months of getting my things together, researching, saving money, and finally saying goodbye to loved ones, I hit the road.
As I type this, I sit in the state of Arizona less than 2 hours away from tomorrow's adventure: The Grand Canyon. For the past week and a couple days I've been driving across these United States with a very close friend of mine simply because we can. Hitting that plateau does something to a young psyche, and usually drastic scary change is the only way to get out of the rut.
The culmination of this trip ends with a permanent move to an island in the Pacific (romantic, I know) and in a sense I still don't know how to feel. The whole experience has seemed very out of body, yet awesome at the same time. I guess that has a lot to do with the fact that I placed NO expectations on anything. If one night ends with a 3am rave, and another ends with eating Butterfingers in a hotel room at 8:00pm on a Saturday, so be it. I just want to be in the world, experience life as it comes. I've seen so much already and I can't wait to see more.
I feel overwhelmed with it all, but in a very zen way (if that even makes sense). So much has and hasn't happened all at the same time, and I don't know if I can eloquently write how I feel about it. Of course all the typical worry wort things cross my mind, and I have been keeping more to myself, but I think its my way of analyzing everything, or maybe it's a part of growing up.

Happy Anniversary Philly

This Fall marks the 10 year anniversary of my arrival to the City of Brotherly Love, and boy how the city and I have come a long way. It doesn't seem like ten years ago when my mom eased onto Broad St from 95 and with a slight grimace asked "you want to go to school here?" Honestly, I was happy to get the hell out of Maryland and into a major city. I couldn't blame her for the look though; the streets were littered with trash, and every other block looked like a meeting place for the homeless. Back then, my school didn't have the extra dining hall or The Shoppes at La Salle, where I could satisfy my grocery needs. Center City left much to be desired, and there was virtually no food scene to speak off (unless you count all the different ways you can order a cheesesteak).
It was during this time that I also came into my own as an adult, finding the people that I would call my friends, many of whom years later, I consider family. I did the community service walks, the rallies, partied in most parts of the city, and learned to navigate the often frustrating public transportation system known as SEPTA.
It seems this past decade Philly and I have been through quite a lot, we grew up and changed for the better. The city has become a must see for culture enthusiasts and foodies alike, while I've grown into a thriving adult. I always think its funny that I've lived in Philly the longest out of all the areas that I've ever lived, its become like a second home to me, and I'm grateful for having experienced the city boom.

Happy Anniversary Philly!

5 Shirts

This time last year I was sitting on a panel at Rutgers University telling complete strangers what it was like to be a gay person of color in today's world. 1. I can't believe that was a whole year ago 2. My how time has changed....or has it?

OutFest was this past weekend in Philadelphia and I didn't go. Why? Well, I'd been to just about every OutFest since college and I just wasn't up to yelling at the protestors, faking nice with people I ONLY see when I go out, or getting caught up in the mess of downtown. Maybe I'm getting old (officially landing in my late 20's a couple weeks ago), but I'm a little jaded with gay life at times. Maybe its because the scene is so small, or maybe its because I am so different than most people "in the scene". I find hanging out with my ally friends so much more enjoyable than getting caught up in the cattiness than can sometimes be lesbian life.

Before I officially came out, I had a girlfriend. We met at a summer job I had after my freshman year of college. I remember being completely unprepared to live in this new city without the safety net of dorm life: no dining hall, no shuttles. I had to figure things out on my own, with a very limited supply of clothing. I had about 5 shirts, 2 shorts and maybe a couple pairs of jeans to last me the whole summer (the reasons for me having so little, well that's an even longer story). So we met, and over that summer we built what was going to be one of the single most important relationships I'd ever have in my life. She grew to know me, like me and eventually love me, even though I literally didn't have much.
I think back on those times, being so young and discovering what its like to be gay. Now that I'm a little older, I wish people could really see and understand there really is no difference between us, gay and straight. I want to shun the labels because there's more to who I am and what I can contribute. I have a beautiful group of ally friends that remind me daily that people are people. Some suck, some are cool and some will love you for who you are, no matter what, even if you only have 5 shirts.

Follow Your Bliss

His name was Matt. He was a long time acquaintance of mine in college. We didn't hang out in the same circles but, our paths always seemed to cross, especially when I decided to act in the school play sophomore year. Hey was a big guy, shy, into books and theater. He was a techie stagehand through and through, he actually taught me how to use the lighting boards before practices and run throughs. He was a playwright, sometimes comedian, but in general a good guy who was willing to help anyone out, his favorite saying; "follow your bliss". Matt passed away from lung failure after an automobile accident in his first year of grad school in 2004.

I was reminded of Matt yesterday when I heard the about the passing of Steve Jobs, and the subsequent quotes and anecdotes he left behind about life, technology, and the world. Many people sit and listen thinking about their own mortality, and of how little of their life they're living. Yesterday I was no exception. I couldn't help but feel that somehow being forced into my tiny cubicle everyday was the sole cause for the loss of my critical thinking skills and laziness. But then hearing about the passing of an innovator of a generation, I was reminded that not all great minds are known the world over. I reflected on Matt's life and his philosophy, and how no matter what others thought of him, he was still the same guy who never took anything for granted and wanted to fiercely become his own hero by following his bliss.

This next year of my life I've got to learn to do the same, to become my own innovator and hero, not be afraid to fail and try again. If I'm still alive, then really I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If I truly believe that, then finding and following my bliss will all be refreshingly rewarding.

Farewell Summer

Labor Day will officially end in a little more than 3 hours, closing the chapter on what was the summer of 2011. Here are my pics from the summer, enjoy!

 

Spent a lot of time enjoying fun things to do in the city

Knocked some things off the bucket list

 

Wouldn't be a summer without doing the Greek thing

 

Or going to a free concert

Or traveling

Or drinking with friends on the holidays!

Here's to hoping that the Fall is just as awesome!

Earthquakes & Hurricanes Oh My!

Its been a pretty big week for Mother Nature. First, an earthquake that was felt from Virgina to Maine, then a hurricane that devastated the Caribbean and most of the eastern seaboard. As I lay hold up in my apartment for the latter event, I began to think of the trajectory my life is taking. I've been approached with a few propositions lately, some have crashed and burn and some....well, we're still waiting to see what happens. To say that I've been disappointed with how my year is going in an understatement. Yes, there have been some awesome times, good moments financially and personally, but overall, I'm not very excited about it. I think the reason for this is because I haven't gotten what I wanted out of life. The obvious response would be "well are you putting your all into it?". Honestly, I believe I am. I've done quite a bit to try and advance myself out of this hole I feel like I've been digging for most of my 20s. I don't know if many people would understand where I'm coming from, but its really frustrating when you hustle and little happens. I know every small step is a major victory, but in the end I can't help but wonder, when will all this pay off?

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."--Albert Einstein

Set Your Sights

When was the last time you've set your sights on a goal and accomplished it??

Quick Blog

What a weekend! Its still not over because I'm headed to Philly Pride. Started in NYC Friday night, woke up early for a community service, now I'm home about to chill with some awesome people. I realized that I need to learn to really enjoy the moments with my friends. This weekend many were had and I don't want to forget them. Pics to come!

You're allowed to dream

To all my followers I'd like for you to contemplate these things:

Are you happy? Why or Why not?

What is success to you?

What are you doing to change things?

Keep on Moving

Its amazing how time flies when you're pre-occupied with the trajectory of your life. For all the planning and lists that it takes to get things done, it takes the life out of a person. I had a great meeting with my new academic adviser regarding my acceptance into the graduate program. I felt free to say what my goals and aspirations were and have someone agree and work with me on a plan of how to get there, or at least tell me I was going in the right direction. I'm learning a lot these days.

New Year, New Challenges

No one said it would be easy. We all take an oath every January first to improve or become "better" in some way. We anticipate that it will be challenging, but we struggle through to get to the end result. No one said it would be easy, but I never anticipated it being this hard! The struggle is what makes the reward so sweet, but when you feel like the struggle can/will break you, what do you do?

I've made a conscious decision to never give up (a side affect of pledging I think), and follow a plan through. This year I made no resolutions; I just promised myself I'd continue to do good things, have good thoughts and make smart decisions. Staying focused and sticking to what ever I decide to take on will have to get me through. Even though I must say, its really hard to be your own biggest cheerleader.

Club Sexism

Its a typical Friday night and you're dressed to the nines. You accompany your crew to the hottest club on its hottest night. After what seems like a forever wait in the line, you go to whip out your ID and cash when the bouncer tells you, "we can't let you in". Dumbfounded and searching for answers, you and your crew say in unison (stank face and all), "why"? "We can't let you in here dressed like that" Really? Your outfit clearly fits this clubs dress code, no white tee, fitted cap, sneakers, no excessive skin, actually not much skin at all....and therein lies the problem.

You've become a victim of "Club Sexism".

Its a phenomenon that sadly exists and always has. I've been the victim of it many times because I don't wear heels, skirts, dresses, extremely tight skinny jeans or show a little boob when I go out (but it doesn't mean I don't look fly). This doesn't just happen to women, it happens to men as well. Think about it, men usually pay 50-100xs as much as a woman to get into a club, and they mostly pay for the alcohol (some have even been denied bathroom privileges for not buying a drink), for a typical guy to drop $100 on a night out is par for the course.

Playing devil's advocate; yes, every club has the right to keep membership exclusive, no one wants a club full of duds. However, if I fit all of your basic "rules" what's the issue here? I'm not sexually enticing enough to elicit a drink from a man? Or since a guy doesn't want to drop $50 at your bar he's a loser? Absolutely not! Most clubs need to get over themselves really. I don't know about everyone else but places I've been recently, who enforce ridiculous rules on prospective patrons usually have one, if not more, of these 3 issues:

1.Wack Music
2.Not enough people behind the bar/rude bartenders
3.No one in the club

And you still turn people away?! Word to the wise, avoid these clubs, they usually don't last. Good bars, clubs, lounges, etc... will accept you no problem, as long as you don't look like a thug or a homeless person. If you do become a victim of club sexism, just leave, never return, and spread the word to all your friends. Word of mouth = reputation. Remember that.

Its coming to an end...

I've spent the past couple of weeks taking it easy and reliving some of the best moments of 2010, while simultaneously  preparing myself for the excitement of 2011. There's a lot to do. Being with my family this weekend only solidified the fact that I need to spend more time with them. We had a great holiday together, but it never ceases to amaze me how they'll never see me as an adult. In away its flattering because hey, they care. On the other hand...I'M A GROWN PERSON!!! With bills!! I can only be grateful for a crazy, fantastic year and hope that 2011 will be just as adventurous.

The Mighty Lame Ducks

Traditionally, congress rides out the last couple months after an election year taking extended vacations, buying gifts for the holidays or tying up personal loose ends. Traditionally. The 111th Congress has completely bucked the trend by passing not one or two special interest bills, but by putting in overtime to pass monumental legislation. First, was the extension of tax cuts for all Americans and the extension of unemployment benefits, then there was the long awaited repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell Bill. Earlier this week, the bipartisan congress revamped and passed the START Treaty with Russia, and this morning many first responders, firefighters and police officers woke up to an early Christmas present; the signing of the Zadroga Bill. The bill provides health services and financial compensation to those who worked tirelessly at ground zero after the twin towers were attacked.
What a way to end President Obama's first half of the presidency! Its times like this when Americans from both sides hunker down and really work with The People in mind. Yes, compromises were made and not everyone got everything they wanted, however, this congress was able to get important things done on a tight deadline. Yes, the blockage of the DREAM Act was a crushing defeat, but I think the bill will pass in the near future especially with the speculation on the 2014 end date for Afghanistan. There is still much work to be done, but I hope the 112th Congress can take a cue from the 111th, let's not go back to seperatist, hard nosed mentality when it comes to getting things done.