2013

Happy New Year...we've made it.

I've left this blog unattended for a while, at first by accident, then later, completely on purpose. So many things have happened and lessons learned that it felt wrong to interrupt life's process by trying to document it all. Now that I have some time, I'll try to write down as much as I can.


On Family
I had the pleasure of going home to see my family for Xmas. Xmas is my absolute favorite holiday. I think the pretentiousness and it's bombastic nature are part of what make it awesome, but as a young kid, Xmas time was one of the only times my entire family would come around and we'd all just enjoy each others company. The elders would tell stories, the kids would play and share secrets, and then there was the food....oh my gosh the food! As I've gotten older this hasn't been the case. My family has been steadily shrinking and with the lack of kids around it's just me and middle aged adults. This is not inherently a bad thing, just different and something I'm still getting used to. I spent six days helping my mom cook and clean, eating and drinking her out of house and home, and listening to family members tell stories of holidays past. Those are the things that stick with me, those stories. No matter how many times I hear them I always laugh at the funny parts, and cry a bit inside as we remember those who have passed on.

The day I came back from my trip was Jak's birthday. I didn't have much of an idea of what to do, but she decided she wanted to go out, first to "our" bar, then...who knows! I'd like to think I surprised her with one of her favorite pizzas and balloons (one that proclaimed her as "Mr. Fix-It"). Our sisterfriend Carmin had flew in the night before so I got a double dose of being around people I love. That night was sort of a continuation of my family celebration seeing as how I consider them both family. New Year's Eve brought Raul. He's basically the most important man in my life outside of family. I know he has special connections with many people, but I enjoy ours immensely. The four of us had an insane New Years...in Hawaii. Honestly, such a far cry from a year ago for all of us. I always say I am grateful for my life and that night the feeling seeped into my every pore. That and the alcohol. I've considered some friends as part of my family for sometime now, but this past year just solidified the group for me. I know that people have their roles in your life, and most will always be in and out, but this holiday season surrounded me with some of the people I most needed to be around.

On Friends & Lovers

I've talked about this before and I think it's worth bringing up again. I knew that moving here was going to present an issue with making and keeping new friends. Most people don't stay here long enough to make more than surface friends, and it's difficult to find and make friends past a certain age. Luckily, I'm a pretty friendly person (too friendly according to Jak), always up for a drink and interesting conversation but anything past that has been difficult, and that's ok. In these past nine months I've learn to accept the fact that as far as "real" friends go I may have hit my limit some time ago and everyone I meet from now on may just be surface or short term. I'm also comfortable with the fact that it may just be "me" from here on out. I'm not saying I'm avoiding dating or will never look for a relationship, it's just that something serious isn't on my mind. Would I like someone to wake up to? Sure. Would it be nice to go on a date or meet someone who thinks I'm interesting? Absolutely. Would I like to have a one night stand? It is on my bucket list! I've decided to leave these issues up to the Universe for the most part, but that doesn't mean I won't be taking an active role in the matter. The sheer fact that I know now I can put myself out there and be ok with whatever the result may be, gives me the resolve to attempt things. See, it's not about the end goal, it's all about the attempt, that's more than half the battle. And if it never happens for me...well even more reason to travel the world and experience everything.
For the most part I hope that even the "surface" friendships I make will be beneficial ones and with really awesome people. Slowly but steadily that seems to be where it's headed but who can say for sure. I don't regret any of the time I've spent with anyone here, but I have learned to be a bit more selfish and say "no thank you" to an offer if I don't want to do.

Right before the New Year Jak, Carmin and I took a sunrise hike to Lanikai. I love moments when I can look out on nature and see it stretching to the ends of the Earth and feel like I'm the only thing to exist in that moment. The reflection was good for me and that's how I know I'll be ok.

                                                

    

Rainbows means everything is ok



On Experiences
There's so much to do here. Part of me wants to do it all as soon as possible, then another part of me wants to enjoy every last drop of every experience. I've kept my pledge to be and stay active (minus those two weeks for house guests and visiting family) and look forward to all adventures no matter how grand or small. What I enjoy best are those random days where you end up wandering around with a random group of friends and life just happens. But I can't deny I enjoy pushing my limits and exploring the beauty of this island. This year I'd like to have more personal experiences with  people that I find interesting, nature will always be there.

2 Months+

Wow, its been well over 2 months since I've written something...sorry about that. So much has happened, yet I feel like not much has all at once. I have no idea where to start so this will be a hodgepodge of what my feeble brain can remember from the past six weeks or so.

I've turned another year older, (kind of) got a promotion at work, survived a tsunami warning while my friends and family survived a hurricane AND Nor'easter (back to back), [slightly] ran a 5k and made new friends.

I've learned somethings about myself; some I've taken in stride and some I can't believe. I think sometimes I'm a bit too self aware as a result becoming more and more shy. Its funny because in a room full of people I'm liable to say or do something crazy stupid for a laugh. It makes it easier for me to play the role of "that" person than to actually be myself out of the fear that I may just be a bit too odd to like. Sadly, this has not improved my flirting skills or made me more adept at delivering panty soaking one liners to girls I find attractive. I think those days may never come for me.

I've also lost my competitive edge. I realized I haven't cared about being competitive at anything in a long while. How/When did I lose this edge?! Its as if healthy competition means very little to me that I give up before I even try. I've tried to justify this as me "knowing my limits" but now I'm not too sure. I don't want to go through the rest of my life conceding things to others, I don't want to be THAT person that says "we're just here to have fun". Jeez, what's happened to that part of me?! I'm hoping that I'll get out of this phase soon because it's just not ok.

I've realized that you can only be responsible for how much you give in any relationship and that people will fall short of your expectations, even if those expectations are low to begin with. As much as I've accepted this fact it still doesn't stop it from being annoying. At this point in my life I consider myself pretty open, no subject is taboo when trying to build a connection with someone...but where to start?

It scares me sometimes that I'm the smartest person in the room. Not saying this to be a braggart, and yes I am fully aware that at times I come off as a fucking know-it-all and its annoying to me too (moreso when I'm wrong about something), but sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I think its a Libra thing. We think we're just sharing information, but we're coming off as pretentious pricks. I promise I will try and curb this behavior, but damn if it isn't hard when you want to have a random conversation about string theory with someone or discuss the political histories of third world countries and they have NO CLUE what you're talking about. More people need to read books.

I still hate running. I've made it to a sub 10min mile, and can run about a mile and a half without stopping. This doesn't mean I enjoy it, yet for some reason I might be signing up for another 5k in February.

I miss the Fall, but I'm looking forward to going home for a bit. The older I get the more awesome my convos with my mom become, can't wait to have some of those in person...and when we're both a bottle of wine in.

I'm lucky that my roommate and I are friendly fuckers. We meet the most interesting people (have you met a Vietnamese-Australian couple this year, who are traveling the globe before they get married? No? Ok.) and have the most interesting convos. Can't wait to see where these connections lead, lol.

I keep promising myself I'm going to write more. But what to write, I can barely keep up with this blog! Ah well, I'm sure I'll figure it out, who knows I may just write something worth reading someday, until then here are some pics of the events that have occurred since I updated this. Enjoy!

 My first 5k The Color Run was pretty awesome!

 

 Me as a zombie banana for Halloween. Yes it was a hit, lol.

The guys & I celebrating my birthday at my fave bar, it was memorable...from what I remember, lol

 One of my last beach days before I got my newest tattoo, I'll blog about that later

 Hiking to a waterfall

Lanikai Beach, one of the most beautiful beaches in the world

So Familiar Yet...So Different

I really like my job.

That is a bold statement to make, moreseo if you're me. Since graduating college I've developed the innate ability to pick the shittiest jobs. Shit jobs in just about every way: pay, people, bosses, tasks, etc... its odd to me though, at times I look back on certain ones and miss aspects of them. I worked in a bakery for a couple years right after graduation which was fun, but when the sincere reality of working poverty sets in, things that were once perks just become annoyances. I have to say though, the bakery was by far the best one I had until recently.
Persistence became my bff in pursuing my current position (mainly out of fear that I would run completely out of $$ before I found a job), and after many meetings I came on board with a vision of where I could take the position and how I could be an asset to the company. Previously, those were just buzz words I'd use on my resume but now they really mean something. Its always a good thing when you have a positive go-getter manager who appreciates you, pushes you and most of all trusts you with your position. Its very similar to the position I left...without all the drama, broken promises, double talk and sheer frustration. I guess this is what it feels like for those people that say they like their job. Usually I teeter with the a job being just a job and enjoyment of it not being a factor, but this time around I'm choosing to enjoy the bejeesus out of it.

Training for the Better

I woke up a bit reluctant today because I had to go to an all day corporate training for work....on a Sunday. As much as I like a free meal and the potential of winning free random goodies, its just not how I envisioned spending my Sunday. And if you know me, I haven't had the best of luck working for quality employers, but since I AM working for a quality employer now, I figured training couldn't be that bad.
Training was actually fun, got me thinking, and really got me pumped to be associated with the brand. I've been learning a lot the past few weeks as I'm also taking online training to learn about the product and features, but today's training got the whole dealership involved. The breakout sessions proved productive and the videos were inspiring.
I know most people take the speakers, sessions, and the brainstorming that happens at these large sessions with a grain of salt, but I got really into it. I'm so used to being part of that group at work that's "cool", you know the ones; they just do the job and not much else. The training really got me excited to want to do more. Exceed customer expectation, exceed MY personal expectations and become an asset to the company. I don't want to be a cool kid anymore, I want to be a work nerd. I don't want to get to the point where I have no life, but I do want to make a difference, and now I feel like I'm part of something that helps change the world:

Happy Birthday Mom!

I've been so wrapped up in a bunch of random things that I nearly forgot my mom's birthday today...how horrible am I?!!
I don't talk about my family much; I think it's because I've always been very selfish of them. They're MY family, and over the years we've lost so many key members that I try to hold on so tight to who's still around. I don't call, write or visit much, but when I'm with them I make the most out of the time we have.

This a big birthday year for my mom and the first since I haven't lived so close to home. I was so upset with myself for not being more prepared for it than I have been in years past. They say you can tell the type of parent(s) you have, by the way you turn out, you know how they raised you. I don't believe that. I think you can tell the type of parent(s) you have if you consider  them to be a friend. Think about it. If you were your parents age (or vice versa) would you be friends with them? I know I would. I'd like to think my mom and I would be great friends, and I think subconsciously the people I call my friends all share a trait that I associate with my mom. Some times I roll my eyes and think "that's something my mom would do/say", but I always end up laughing about it because its like she's always looking out for me...you really can't ever escape your parents.

I hope my mother loves her gift and realizes I try my best as her daughter to make her happy and proud, because I'm always proud to be her daughter.

Happy Birthday :)

Epic Nights

There comes a point in just about every day, where I wake from my daydreaming stupor and say, "holy shit! I live in fucking paradise!" Yes, I know these revelations must seem annoying to you (my 1 dear reader), and you're probably all like "Jas, stop rubbing salt in the wound already!" But its ironic how so easy it is to take things for granted.
Not that I typically want to be in the business of looking a gift horse in the mouth, but some days here are harder than others. After all I'm still doing all the same things as most people: going to work, making grocery lists, paying bills, making budgets, you know the sucky parts of life we all escape by going to happy hour a few times a week. Last week I had my first ever taste of homesickness. Its weird because I'm not one to get homesick. Even as a kid, when my mom would send me to Louisiana during the summers, or camp, I was always waving cheerfully goodbye as she choked back tears. Don't know what did it really, but I started to miss my friends, my cat, randomly walking through Philly, chilling at my favorite spots. But as usual the Universe is always on time.
Had one of the best days here since the move, and the fact that it was First Friday made it even better. I got a wealth of intellectual stimulation, and had a blast being a goofy twenty-something, all while meeting and hanging out with the most fascinating people I've ever met. I don't know what it is about this place that makes me feel so free to just let go, but I feel so relaxed here when I'm out and about. This city seems to be undergoing an artistic and creative renaissance and luckily I get front row seats. Maybe we've all been drawn here by the cosmic forces to create one magical orgy; a peace and love movement. Whatever the case, I just keep hoping that I'll continue to have epic nights.

Fulfillment

When the glass is full life is good.

There are random points in our life where, after we've put in the work both mentally and physically, it all comes together. Things are coming along quite nicely, and I feel fulfilled. That's what I was searching for after all. Of course there are always things we wish we had, but there's something to be said for pursing the chase. Chasing after and working hard for fulfillment are what make the journey worth it (its also where you get the best stories). There's a ways for me to go but I do enjoy thinking, "I can't wait to see what my life is going to be like next year, 2 years, 5 years down the line." Aren't we all lucky in some aspects?

Fulfillment is at our fingertips. So why do we wait so long to feel it?

Let's Go on a Hike

I went on my first hike this weekend! I love the outdoors and nature (even if it doesn't love me back sometimes), and I love to wander around looking at all the cool nature stuff, so hiking is the perfect fit. I set my sights very high when it comes to physical things, which often gets me in trouble because I forget that I don't have the stamina for these things. I want to climb Diamond Head which is basically the most famous hike on Oahu near Waikiki. But my more levelheaded and realistic roommate suggested a beginner's trail in Hau'ula. The trail takes you up about 700ft and over looks a gulch and beach scenery on the windward side. I learned a lot on the hike. Mainly, that mountainous inclines are very tough, and knock all the wind out of me. But besides that, I learned to be very trusting of the Earth and its inhabitants. The views were so worth it and reminded me why I need to live this life right now. Can't wait to build up to Diamond Head and beyond!

 Its important to be safe

 The roomie and I

 Foilage

 Greenery

 Panoramics of the summit

 Panoramic of the forest-like feel of the descent

 looking up

Fresh Thoughts

To be in Life with Love is truly existence's greatest gift

Learning Lessons

Last week a couple of awesome friends came halfway across the world to visit Jak (my roommate) and I. It was beyond awesome. Having them here for 5 days kinda felt like I never left Philly, and reminded me that I really miss my friends and some aspects of my life there, but chilling out here and just doing our thing was a million times better than anything Philly could offer.
After they left for the second leg of their vacation, it was back to just me my roomie, and the randomness that has become our everyday lives. I've talked to a couple friends and had each one ask, "are you happy there?"
Part of the reason for me leaving Philly was that I felt very unfulfilled in many aspects of my life. I felt stuck. But am I now "happy"? Has my life done a 180 in about two and a half months? Its a loaded question.
There are things about me that are "changing" I guess you could say, but these are things I've always aspired to do, its just that now I'm not giving into excuses. I've shed a lot of the material things and I'm taking this vagabond life seriously. One thing that's happened that I'm ever grateful for is the reduced noise in my head.
I'm a chronic thinker, its quite an annoying condition. Its very hard for me to turn my mind off and be open to things, but here...its like my mind knows to be quite. No job stressing, no stressing about weekend plans, no CUS stress, just me and the things I've always wanted to do to better myself, and yes the constant sunshine and perfect weather do help.
I don't know if I'm "happy". The more I stick around on this planet, the more I begin to feel that the word "happy" is much like the word "love", highly overused yet rarely and truly experienced. I'm still growing and becoming the person I've always wanted to be, and accepting the fact that it may not have been what I envisioned as a teenager. I'm becoming who I was meant to be. Its as if the Universe is telling me to listen and slow down, stop worrying and fix your chronic thinking problem because in the grand scheme of life nothing's permanent and problems are only teaching tools. Listen and Learn.

Reading & Running Are So Good For Your Body & Mind

Everyday it seems I learn something new about myself or this place, pushing the limits of what I thought wasn't possible for me. The fact that I can actually almost run a half mile without stopping is a HUGE feat within itself. Getting much needed exercise and getting back into reading has been on my list for a while. Interesting that it took a move halfway across the world to accomplish these things.
My mind is so relaxed that some days I freak out a little because I don't feel the pressure to do or be a certain way; my guard isn't up when I walk the streets or go out. Farmer's Markets and random gatherings are quickly becoming a favorite. I haven't been too worried about much, but that doesn't stop my brain from thinking that some time soon the other shoe is going to drop, but I quickly dismiss those thoughts. All habits are hard to break, even the mental ones (those might be the hardest).

This week is jam packed, and I'm actually pretty excited to have some friends come out to visit. Planning to have a great time and explore this city and squeeze every drop of fun out of it.

2 weeks in Paradise

...and officially one week since my roomie and I signed a lease for a cozy cottage in Honolulu, HI! Like I said in my previous post, I'm letting time do what it does. While we've explored our neighborhood a bit, mainly from the gazillion trips to Wal Mart, Sam's Club, Safeway, Foodland & KMart, there is so much more to see. We did find the chillest neighborhood dive bar with the strangest name (8 Fat Fat 8), that has daily specials, pool, darts, karaoke and judging by the orders that were coming from the kitchen, a kick ass pupus (that's what they call appetizers here) menu. The staff was super friendly (everyone is here) and the tab was VERY reasonable. We also found a Latin American grocery store that sells all the essentials needed to cook the staple homemade dishes we both miss from back home (I thought Jak was going to cream her pants when she saw that bottle of Adobo).
There's also a huge Goodwill up the street and around the corner that I'll definitely be shopping at for clothing and other household items. We did get some kitchenware to replace some of the items that broke from being shipped from the mainland. It was all good though because we cleaned up for less than $20. I really can't wait until we both have jobs so we can explore our surrounding neighborhood thoroughly (especially the restaurants). We have visitors coming later this month, so hopefully that will give us an excuse to make some trips to the North Shore and Waikiki.

This truly is paradise.

Timing

Its seems that the old adage "time is everything" applies to literally every situation. Some days time works completely in your favor, and others it frustrates the heck out of you. While I am ever grateful for the progression of this journey, sometimes the feeling of helplessness breaks way to waning patience. I know that not everything happens all at once, but I wish that they happened a little faster. Its life's little frustrations that irk me the most. Recently, I've been learning to let it all go, don't get wrapped up in situations that you have NO control over, things will work themselves out.
It may come as a shock, but sometimes I'm not as bad ass as I like to appear. I worry. I wring my hands with the fear that something might go wrong, they call it the "what ifs". Part of the reason for this journey was to change. This is my ashram in India, or "seven years in Tibet" to sort it all out; reach nirvana with my self and become my own salvation. Before it was so easy to start and stop this transformation because let's face it, its not easy. But with picture perfect blue skies, warm sun, and an aura of calm and ease surrounding you everyday it makes it tough to want to run away from your inner barriers. How can I stay mad when I'm rewarded everyday with God's beauty? I can't.

So, for now as I continue to unfurl into a more peaceful human being in every aspect, I'll let time do what it does: move on. Things will happen as they're supposed to, and I chose not to rush that process.

Traditions

Throughout my young life I've grown accustomed to celebrating traditions with my friends and family. I'm not just talking about holidays, birthdays or other annual special events. I mean those small random, off-the-cuff things that make a mundane existence bearable. Last night I came to the realization that, in some odd way, I no longer have any of those traditions at my disposal. No getting adult milkshakes on payday, no trying out a new bar before the hipsters claim it, no dinner parties, no random sleepovers....nothing.
I know that this plan to "change" has been in place for quite a while, but sometimes things just don't hit you when they should; reality doesn't set it. Well, now reality is slapping me in the face. When you have that sudden "I want to go home" feeling and realize that you don't quite have a home [yet] is a disheartening feeling to say the least. I've never been much of a long term planner, so feeling that I should I be in control of every single move ahead of me is difficult. I know it probably comes off as I don't care, can't think for myself, or dare I say it a bit "slow", but I've only had to think of just myself for so long that thinking for 2 proves difficult and out of place.
I usually put the needs of others before myself because hey, if my friends and family are happy then I'm happy. It takes very little to make me content.
Thus far, this trip has taught me that my tradition of leadership might be in for a BIG change. I don't know what that is, but I can assure you its a lot different from what I'm used to. Not saying this is a BAD thing, just an adjustment. Did I expect this to be easy? No. Did I expect reality to sucker punch me in the face last night as I crossed the California border? No. Am I slightly losing my mind because I feel like I have less control over things than normal? Hell YES!
But if I've learned anything in life, its to be optimistic and resilient. Everyday I look straight into the face of God as I stare in awe at the beauty of the Earth, and somehow that's comfort enough. That's a personal tradition I've kept. To always look out into the vastness of the Universe because the Universe will always take care of you.

The 2012

Its hard to know where to begin this blog, but just know that its timing is purposeful. I guess a good place to start any story is at the beginning, Well, if you've every browsed through this blog you that I constantly struggle to find a harmonic balance in my life ( I am a Libra after all). Once you've past your mid-twenties and you aren't married, have kids, or working on that 2nd or 3rd degree you can feel a bit stagnant. To say that I felt stagnant is an understatement. I've been wanting a drastic change in my life for quite sometime, but never seemed to get it together to do so, until mid-2011. After months of getting my things together, researching, saving money, and finally saying goodbye to loved ones, I hit the road.
As I type this, I sit in the state of Arizona less than 2 hours away from tomorrow's adventure: The Grand Canyon. For the past week and a couple days I've been driving across these United States with a very close friend of mine simply because we can. Hitting that plateau does something to a young psyche, and usually drastic scary change is the only way to get out of the rut.
The culmination of this trip ends with a permanent move to an island in the Pacific (romantic, I know) and in a sense I still don't know how to feel. The whole experience has seemed very out of body, yet awesome at the same time. I guess that has a lot to do with the fact that I placed NO expectations on anything. If one night ends with a 3am rave, and another ends with eating Butterfingers in a hotel room at 8:00pm on a Saturday, so be it. I just want to be in the world, experience life as it comes. I've seen so much already and I can't wait to see more.
I feel overwhelmed with it all, but in a very zen way (if that even makes sense). So much has and hasn't happened all at the same time, and I don't know if I can eloquently write how I feel about it. Of course all the typical worry wort things cross my mind, and I have been keeping more to myself, but I think its my way of analyzing everything, or maybe it's a part of growing up.

Merry Christmas (to the Blacks & Gays)!

While much of 2011 has been wrought with frustration, anger and anxiety, it was time to hear a positive story (or two). A few short months ago Don't Ask Don't Tell was officially repealed for our armed forces. This move was a long time coming, especially since other top tier world nations have allowed openly gay service members into their ranks for years.
Petty Officer Marissa Gaeta won a "welcome home" kiss contest in which she would be able to re-enact one of the most infamous kisses in American history with her girlfriend. This is what we call progress:



There's also more to look forward to in theaters in 2012. George Lucas (yes THE George Lucas) and his company will produce a movie about the Tuskegee Airmen called Red Tails, opening in  nationwide in January. With Tyler Perry and Oprah being the only generous benefactors to Black films since...EVER, its kind of a big deal that Lucas is not only financing the project, but using all of his Industrial Light and Magic prowess to make this an epic film. Not only am I beyond excited about the amazing effects, but I'm also hype for the re-telling of an important American story. An all Black squadron of airmen that the government didn't have much faith in (or want) became some of the biggest heroes in modern history. Its a story that needs to be told:

My holiday spirit just got a little more cheery. Happy Holidays!