5 Shirts

This time last year I was sitting on a panel at Rutgers University telling complete strangers what it was like to be a gay person of color in today's world. 1. I can't believe that was a whole year ago 2. My how time has changed....or has it?

OutFest was this past weekend in Philadelphia and I didn't go. Why? Well, I'd been to just about every OutFest since college and I just wasn't up to yelling at the protestors, faking nice with people I ONLY see when I go out, or getting caught up in the mess of downtown. Maybe I'm getting old (officially landing in my late 20's a couple weeks ago), but I'm a little jaded with gay life at times. Maybe its because the scene is so small, or maybe its because I am so different than most people "in the scene". I find hanging out with my ally friends so much more enjoyable than getting caught up in the cattiness than can sometimes be lesbian life.

Before I officially came out, I had a girlfriend. We met at a summer job I had after my freshman year of college. I remember being completely unprepared to live in this new city without the safety net of dorm life: no dining hall, no shuttles. I had to figure things out on my own, with a very limited supply of clothing. I had about 5 shirts, 2 shorts and maybe a couple pairs of jeans to last me the whole summer (the reasons for me having so little, well that's an even longer story). So we met, and over that summer we built what was going to be one of the single most important relationships I'd ever have in my life. She grew to know me, like me and eventually love me, even though I literally didn't have much.
I think back on those times, being so young and discovering what its like to be gay. Now that I'm a little older, I wish people could really see and understand there really is no difference between us, gay and straight. I want to shun the labels because there's more to who I am and what I can contribute. I have a beautiful group of ally friends that remind me daily that people are people. Some suck, some are cool and some will love you for who you are, no matter what, even if you only have 5 shirts.

Follow Your Bliss

His name was Matt. He was a long time acquaintance of mine in college. We didn't hang out in the same circles but, our paths always seemed to cross, especially when I decided to act in the school play sophomore year. Hey was a big guy, shy, into books and theater. He was a techie stagehand through and through, he actually taught me how to use the lighting boards before practices and run throughs. He was a playwright, sometimes comedian, but in general a good guy who was willing to help anyone out, his favorite saying; "follow your bliss". Matt passed away from lung failure after an automobile accident in his first year of grad school in 2004.

I was reminded of Matt yesterday when I heard the about the passing of Steve Jobs, and the subsequent quotes and anecdotes he left behind about life, technology, and the world. Many people sit and listen thinking about their own mortality, and of how little of their life they're living. Yesterday I was no exception. I couldn't help but feel that somehow being forced into my tiny cubicle everyday was the sole cause for the loss of my critical thinking skills and laziness. But then hearing about the passing of an innovator of a generation, I was reminded that not all great minds are known the world over. I reflected on Matt's life and his philosophy, and how no matter what others thought of him, he was still the same guy who never took anything for granted and wanted to fiercely become his own hero by following his bliss.

This next year of my life I've got to learn to do the same, to become my own innovator and hero, not be afraid to fail and try again. If I'm still alive, then really I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If I truly believe that, then finding and following my bliss will all be refreshingly rewarding.