Failure: The Only Option

Recently I've been reminded of how many times I've failed. Completely and utterly failed at something. How many things I've given up on or never completed. A dream deffered if you will. Usually when you think of the things you've failed at, you don't smile about it.
When I think of all the things I've failed at in a strange way it bring me a sense of peace. I HATE admitting to myself that I can't do something, and I abhor not achieving a goal. However, I am guilty of doing just that. I'll spare you the list of my shortcomings, but for everything I've attempted and failed at, I've gained a lesson. I've gotten up and kept moving, licking my wounds and wallowing in self regret the entire way. Life experiences are similar to a cycle. A cycle of particular emotions set in rotation.

I recently had a conversation with my co-worker, like a real conversation.

Sidenote: If you know me, I keep my private life away from my business. The less we all know about each other, the better. That's my motto.

I discovered that before he was 30 he had a wife, 2 kids, a successful Credit Repair business that netted him six figures a year, and was in top physical condition. Within a few years he had lost everything. All of it. The business, the family, drowned his sorrows in the bottle, got diagnosed with cancer, was sued multiple times, filed for bankruptcy, and even served a minimal amount of prison time.
Now, he's not in the business of trying to get back what he had, but he's trying to live a better life. Loving his kids more than he's ever had before, settle down with the right woman, and just be comfortable in his own skin.
His cycle is trying to fix itself; get back to a center where good emotions, thoughts and feelings create a healthy body and soul. Needless to say I felt moved by his story. For all that he had, and all that he was, he picked himself back up. Sure, he may not be the same guy he was 6 years ago when he was on top of the world, but he's a better man. A lived man.

The story of a person's life is never extraordinary to them until it is compared in cycles. I never think I am interesting or that I have a lot to share or offer people sometimes. There are quite a few things I am not experienced in, but I am experienced in observing the human condition, and learning from my own mistakes; my own down cycles. The Universe and cycle of Life work in conjunction with each other and NEVER against each other (even though it may seem like it). There is a lesson to be learned here. Just live it, for the answers are always revealed when you are ready.

...and on the count of 3 everybody run back to your fantasy

I've been pondering the recent lessons that I have been learning as laid out in the Master of Love. In analyzing them, and really taking on the challenge of living and being with and in LOVE, I am monitoring my thoughts. Like most people I have started many life projects, some I have finished, many I have not. Its the lessons we seem to not do too well in that we learn the most. Personally, 50% of all projects I take on.....fail (or at least that's how it feels). I went from a stellar student, to stellar athlete, to artist, to web designer, to booking agent. All of these things I really poured myself into and wanted to be; and believed I was. The fact that I am almost none of these now, is quite worrisome.

Now don't get me wrong, I was damned good at all those things (I trophies, awards and accolades to prove this), but with them ending in my life I wonder.....did I fail or is it simply showing my growth over time? I hate failure. I hate the word, the feeling, the admission of it....everything, but I find myself wondering.... did I fail? OK, I'll admit, at times I got lazy and didn't pour myself into my work, eventually finding it boring, mundane, or unfulfilled, thus ending my relationship with my occupation. I've come to realize and accept that your occupation doesn't define you; your Actions do. Actions build character. Actions are the result of emotion. Emotion is our body's way of interpreting our Thoughts. And Thoughts are things. They are on a frequency of Attraction. So if we Attract what we want, did I simply stop Attracting those things in my life? Is this part of our inevitable cycle? I often feel bad because I am no longer the things I once were. People usually think that you didn't have the ability to "stick with" something, hence your not good enough. I don't agree. Screw what people think. I did what I did because it brought me joy, fulfillment, happiness, challenge, gratitude and love, not necessarily outward approval.

I started thinking recently: what is it that I want to do? what would make me feel fulfilled? This is going to sound a little odd, but I thought of a mission statement for myself. OK, so I thought of myself as a company and thought of what I would like to offer people out of all the skills I have amassed over my years. Here's what I came up with:

The sole purpose of _________________ Collaborative Consulting is to instruct its clientele to ensure the continuance of business and sustainability in an ever changing environment. To stay current with all technological, social, political, cultural, educational, international, regional, informational, animalistic and human advances. To consult all parties, who are searching, in the realm of spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological and physiological matters. To help bring about a state of peace and collaboration to simply "get things done". Working with communal and one-on-one efforts to collaborate, organize, and plan: events, conferences, parties, etc... Using technological tools (IE social media) to advance the message of the collaborative effort. To bring about peaceful, playful and fun energy to all work with the purpose of completing a task and growing as a human. To work with
friends and go getters to "make things happen." To never forget our roots and to ALWAYS give back. Not only to ourselves, but to others, and to Earth.

Yeah.....I don't know HOW the hell to use that to survive and make money and be successful (in a monetary sense)...but at least I got it out!

Fear of Success?

I picked up The Mastery of Love this weekend, the second book by Don Miguel Ruiz (one of my favorite authors), and of course I am intellectually devouring it. It re-introduced me to the idea of mitote or Dream World as described by the ancient Toltecs. Ok, I have a confession, every once in a while if get engrossed in the ideologies of free thinking. In which I examine the mysteries of life through books, videos, quotes, yoga and other various things. The basic explanation of the mitote is the Dream reality we have all created for ourselves. Basically what we perceive as real is nothing more than what our minds have dreamed up...we make our own reality. That sounds pretty harsh sometimes when I think about. I try not to think about or focus on the lack in my life because let's face it, the more we focus on is the more of what we get. So, if we create our own realities in this collective Dream state, why do certain things matter? Why do we fear things?

First off, I hate the word "fear". I don't believe in it because really there is no such thing. Fear is what we give the name to an emotion that makes us doubt ourselves. We should never do this. When you break it down, it makes no sense! How can you "fear" something you have created? You can't. You know what "it" is, what you want, etc... you're just doubting your ability (for whatever reason). Herein lies my current (albeit a recurring life theme) situation. I doubt myself constantly, and it makes me wonder if I am failing myself. One of the things that I doubt (replacing the word fear) is success. Crazy to think right?! Yeah success....kind of trippy. I mean we all think we want it (I am going by the standard capitalist definition here); the money, cars, power, ability, control, adoration, privilege. But really think about it. Could you handle it? Everyone loves you when they're winning, but more people HATE you when you're failing. The doubt keeps me at a distance from the possibility of absolute success. Its been this way my whole life. That responsibility is...STRESSFUL! How can this be stressful in a world I create? Simply. Its not just MY world. Its also a world of collective thinkers, a collective Dream. This doesn't mean I can't surround myself with like-minded people...living in a like-minded Dream. I believe this "doubt" is what is standing between me and greatness. But is it just me? What happens when you work, and work, and toil, yet there are little or no results? You get tired. Worn. Stressed.

I believe the answer lies within us and within the Dream itself. If we control our minds, thoughts, and make our own choices, we create our dream. Remove doubt and worry, and control the Dream. Interesting.